Six Things You Should Never Do
In our ongoing series of articles we've been exploring the nuances of rapport and how to create it because rapport is the foundation of all effective communication. In this latest edition we are going to take a slight detour to discuss some of those things you should never do-five major turn-offs that can quickly kill your chances of developing a positive relationship with another person.
You see there are a number of potentially fatal mistakes one can make, especially at the beginning of an interaction, which can truly jeopardize your ability to achieve the positive outcome you are looking for. I call these ‘landmines at the door' and if you are not careful, you can easily wander into them and then suddenly find your communication faltering, or much worse, blowing up in your face. Some are pretty obvious, others less so, but all deserve note. Let's take a look at what they are . . .
#1. Mispronouncing a person's name or title. This is easily one of the worst things you can possibly do when meeting someone for the first time. It has the potential to totally undermine your credibility with another person because a person's name is, well, personal. To many people, mispronouncing their name is about as rude as deliberately messing up their hair! Remember that a person's name is closely linked to their identity-their deepest sense of self. Be extremely careful when pronouncing another's name and if you are not sure how to do it, ask! If they have an unusual name, don't make the common mistake of making a ‘cute' joke about it: No matter what you think, they are not likely to find it funny-especially if they have heard that kind of comment before.
#2. Boasting about your accomplishments. Many people find it extremely distasteful when you openly brag about your title, position, wealth or accomplishments. You may think that you are ‘impressing' people, but odds are more likely you are simply alienating or humiliating them. Truly confident, accomplished people demonstrate confidence in the relaxed way in which they interact with others. They tend to downplay their accomplishments, not talk endlessly about all the great things they have or have done.
#3. Comparing them to someone else. This is the old, "You know who you remind me of?" game. It's very common and generally distasteful. Usually, they're comparing the person to someone famous, like a popular celebrity. The problem is, not all people admire the same celebrities and quite often people actually dislike others who in some way remind them of their own ‘flaws'. (In the same way most people find their own voices annoying when played back on audio recordings.) For example, I once commented to a very beautiful girl I knew that she reminded me of Christie Brinkley-surely a compliment since Christie Brinkley has been, and still is, one of the most physically beautiful women on the planet. This young lady, who was a very talented and intellectual English major in college, responded by saying, "Christie Brinkley is a bimbo who has gotten by on nothing but her looks." Needless to say, I never made that comparison again! The truth is, comparing people to someone else rarely does anything to further rapport since most people are already desperately hungering for someone to appreciate who they really are as they are. Unless you know they are absolutely crazy about the person they remind you of, drop the comparison compulsion and focus on them instead.
#4. Premature informality. Presumptuously acting as if you are part of someone's inner circle, or like you know someone much better than you really do, is often a total turn-off to many people and many people will display an almost instant aversion to people who act in this manner. Immediately calling someone ‘Bob' when they prefer ‘Robert', violating the subtleties of personal space through inappropriate closeness or touching, etc., can all be catastrophic to rapport. This type of behavior is often considered false and manipulative. Generally, it is much better to build connection by quietly demonstrating how you are in support of the other person's core values than it is to openly assume a level of rapport you may not actually have.
#5. Failing to listen. Remember that most people want to be the star of their own show and they love nothing more than an attentive audience. Just as genuinely listening to people is one of the most powerful things you can do to help build rapport, completely dominating a conversation is one of the worst things you can do to destroy it. Make sure you are aware of the ebb and flow of the conversation and that you allow the other person more than enough time and space to express themselves. They will love and regard you as a more intelligent person for doing so.
#6. Trying too hard to be like everyone else. This one is subtle and appears to be almost contradictory with one of the major principles of rapport, which is, "People tend to like people who are like them or who are like how they want to be." The truth is, you can't be too much like other people or you won't be noticed and you won't be respected. It's important to realize that people respect and admire strength and that no person is regarded as stronger than the man or woman who has a healthy love and acceptance of themselves for who they already are and who they choose to be. Dare to be a little different while truly respecting the uniqueness of others and you will get all the rapport you need.
by John Bridges, CH, CPEH
